Unhelpful Gift Ideas for Undeserving Motorcyclists

You may be a majestic unicorn. But without the right helmet cover, how will people know?

You may be a majestic unicorn. But without the right helmet cover, how will people know? (Moto Loot/)

They say it’s the thought that counts with gifts. Therein lies the problem. Thinking wastes valuable time during the busy holidays. But once you dispense with careful thought and empathy, you’ll speed through your holiday shopping in nothing flat. Best to save money and time for people who really matter. Motorcyclist already come up with a great list of gifts for that someone special. Here’s a list of last-minute gifts for people at the bottom of your list.

Tired of just revving your engine to get attention? Try these stylish helmet mohawks.

Tired of just revving your engine to get attention? Try these stylish helmet mohawks. (Moto Loot/)

Helmet Mohawk

Sure, you pay taxes, wear polo shirts, and make vehicle payments like an adult. But isn’t there a little Toecutter inside you dying to express himself? Nothing says “I cheat death and spread casual mayhem” like a helmet mohawk. Fellow riders and motorists alike will think twice before taking issue with your lane changes and stoplight burnouts. Popular brands include PC Racing and Iron Horse, but it’s a crowded marketplace.

Perfect For: BMW riders, vintage motorcycle enthusiasts, riders over 60

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Gixxer? Give the gift of awesomeness wherever and whenever you ride.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Gixxer? Give the gift of awesomeness wherever and whenever you ride. (PC Racing/)

Helmet Cover

A delightful variation on the helmet mohawk is the popular helmet cover. Designed to make your helmet look like Santa, a reindeer, or Pokémon things, they’re the easiest way to express your inner identity with fake fur and unseeing eyes. Especially popular in the Midwest on winter rides, they have the comic effect of making your face look like a ravenous mouth or an angry void. The best known helmet covers seem to be from Moto Loot, but do your own research.

Perfect For: Sportbike enthusiasts, all-weather ADV riders, Ducati lovers

The Lego Technic Ducati Panigale V4R: No valve adjustment or break-in period required.

The Lego Technic Ducati Panigale V4R: No valve adjustment or break-in period required. (lego.com/)

Lego Technic Ducati Motorcycle

Know someone who works on motorcycles? Inspire them with a gift they probably won’t screw up with this cool Lego Ducati Panigale V4. Imagine the fun of playing with a miniature version of a motorcycle you’ll never be able to afford or ride. Both front and rear suspension work, though the preload is garbage. Does not include Ducati dealer tech figure. Also comes in a BMW M 1000 RR model as well as a generic “motorcycle” chopper model.

Perfect For: Wealthy motorcyclists, minibike enthusiasts, motorcycle restorers

Way better than using your teeth: the motorcycle bottle opener.

Way better than using your teeth: the motorcycle bottle opener. (amazon.com/)

Motorcycle Bottle Opener

Non-motorcycle people never know what to get us. So they buy us ordinary household objects, but with motorcycles on them. These people are smart. Instead of wasting time learning about bikes, they see a bottle opener shaped like a motorcycle and say, “Good enough.” Real time-saver. It’s probably the reason they have disposable income and free time. The one shown here is from amazon.com, but consider buying one from a small business. Not like Jeff Bezos needs your measly $5.99.

Perfect For: Motorcyclists, people who drink beverages

Some modifications may be necessary: the universal-fit brown seat.

Some modifications may be necessary: the universal-fit brown seat. (walmart.com/)

Brown Seat Cover

Why are all motorcycle seats black? Boring. Brown seats harken back to a time when bikes were built by hand, completely unreliable, and powered by kerosene. Bring back the good ol’ days with a classic brown seat cover. For added thoughtfulness, get one with minimal padding in order to make long trips impossible. Bonus points if you get a brown seat cover that’s “universal fit.” This fine example came from Walmart, your home for all your motorcycling needs.

Perfect For: BMW R nineT owners, Instagram influencers, motorcyclists with mustaches

The motorcycle equivalent of thoughts and prayers: assortment of guardian bells.

The motorcycle equivalent of thoughts and prayers: assortment of guardian bells. (victoryonly.com/)

Guardian Bell

Nothing says “motorcycle safety” like a miniature pewter bell attached to your bike with zip-ties. If you’re not into things like learning, awareness, or cautious behavior, there’s always superstition. Guardian bells, or gremlin bells, allegedly date back to World War II pilots or English riders in the 1920s, depending on the source. Either way, they were spectacularly ineffective at warding off danger and mechanical problems. But hey. Not like they cause problems or anything. These lovely examples courtesy of victoryonly.com.

Perfect For: Trackday riders, BMW GS lovers

That which burns, never returns. Flame decals keep things hot.

That which burns, never returns. Flame decals keep things hot. (Etsy/EastCoastVinylWerkz/)

Flame Decals

Let’s face it. You could be a lot faster. Fortunately, there’s a safe solution to your speed problem: flame decals. Instantly add dynamism and danger (and speed, obv) with easy-to-apply decals on your motorcycle. Supposedly, the first flame-themed paint job was Kelly Petillo’s Indianapolis 500–winning Offenhauser in 1935. Anyway, one thing hasn’t changed since. Flames improve anything they’re affixed to. We believe this to be a classic design variation known as “Ohio Flames” from Etsy seller EastCoastVinylWerkz.

Perfect For: Amateur racers, minibike enthusiasts, slow motorcyclists

X marks the spot. The spot where your slow cafe racer is parked, that is. Leather headlight “X” with adhesive backing.

X marks the spot. The spot where your slow cafe racer is parked, that is. Leather headlight “X” with adhesive backing. (caferacerwebshop.com/)

Headlight Tape

Let fellow motorcyclists know dangerous cafe racing may break out at any moment with real headlight tape on your bike. Originally meant to protect fellow cafe racers from broken glass in case of accident, they’ve become a style statement in their own right. Tell the world you’re up on the cutting edge of motorcycle culture, but 60 years ago. A cynic might think it’s just regular tape, but they come in real leather. Which then attaches to your headlight with tape. Whatever. This headlight “X” comes via caferacerwebshop.com, but everyone who sells these uses the same picture.

Perfect For: Cafe racer enthusiasts, fans of 2015 motorcycle culture, sportbike enthusiasts

Source: MotorCyclistOnline.com

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